Where does it lead us?
This road.
Where are the answers?
Buried under rocks?
Should I kick them?
Turn them over gently?
Scream?
Tag: Meditations
I have a new friend. I’m not sure if I like her. She shows up when she feels like and she affects the way I behave in the world, the way I feel, and how I act with others. She wears a pink skirt and combat boots. You’d think with the pink skirt that she’d be nice, but those damn combat boots give her so much attitude. I don’t know if she is a friend or not, but what I know for sure is that she is not going anywhere. She’s made that abundantly clear.
One minute I’m fine. I’m living my life and doing my thing and the next minute there’s a furnace in my midsection that decided to turn itself on high heat. I didn’t make any requests. I didn’t over-exert myself. In fact, I was keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business. I very politely disrobe, if I’m alone of course, and I stand in front of a fan. Five minutes later it’s over and I hear Perimini’s (that’s what I’m calling her) quiet cackle in the background.
Was it something I said? She’s persistent and quite capable of kicking my a$$. She’s made that abundantly clear. I don’t know. Do I love her? Do I hate her? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about her. I find myself wondering how long she’s planning to stay. Here I am looking at cute babies in the vicinity and cooing over cute cartoon and commercial children. What did I do to you Peri?
On days when I feel like I’ve had enough, I think about how I can get rid of her quietly without her knowing I’m plotting against her. I still don’t know if she’s a friend yet. Would she answer me if I asked her how long she’s planning to stay? She’s not very forthcoming, and even if she knew, I’m not sure if she’d tell me. What does she want? It can’t be just to torment me. What’s her message? Can she possibly deliver it in a much easier way? Maybe without all the hot flashes and the night sweats. She’s not the one who has to wash the linens after all.
Does she know she’s the reason I have a thousand and one new fragrances? This situation is throwing my Ph balance off. I’m not saying I stink. I just don’t smell quite like myself, and my skin is dry from sweating all night. So, not only do I have to spend more time doing laundry, I have to spend extra time looking for a variety of fragrances that I wouldn’t normally wear, fragrances that work one day and other days not so much, which is the reason why I have so many now. First world problem, I know.
I want to make friends with her, but I also want her visits to be as short as possible, If she can’t do that, maybe she could just not be so disruptive. Is she saint or is she sinner? Does she love? Does she hate? Is this what neutral is? Can I request a different comforting angel, a less intrusive one?
It’s hard to explain if in the middle of a conversation, I start dabbing my forehead with one tissue, then a paper towel, then several paper towels, when there have been no outward signs of a significant temperature change or exertion. You didn’t see that part where I just finished a HIIT workout, but that’s what happened…just not on this plain of existence. Does that sound like a reasonable excuse? No. Okay. I am still sweating like I just finished that HIIT workout though. Just sayin’. It’s possible. Wait! Does it count as a workout? The steps were done in spirit. Does that mean anything? I want it counted somehow.
I drift off to sleep and I’m fine. I’m in Goldilocks territory, not too hot, not too cold. Then Peri makes an appearance. My sheets are soaked. My hair is soaked. I’m wide awake trying to find a dry spot on the bed. Why isn’t anybody else awake for this? Should I take a shower now or wait til the morning? Am I going to towel off? Rub myself down with one of my many new fragrant oils? Will I be able to go back to sleep?
The philosophers and spiritualists say that if you wake up in the wee hours then spirit is trying to tell you something. OK, first can they talk to me at a more reasonable hour? Second, does nature’s alarm need to be so darn dramatic? What about a feather or a gray cat walking across my path at noon, and not like 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning? Can Peri relay that message to the spirits for me? Is she one of those whispering spirits, that someone gave a sledge hammer by mistake?
I appreciate that she’s here to usher me into the next phase of my existence. I really do. There’s a horizon over which I look and she’s right next to me pointing and letting me know that’s where I’m going. Then she pushes me out into traffic. You’re welcome?!
I want to be seen. I want to be acknowledged, most people do, if not all. A hello or a nod on the street goes a long way. The problem with growing up in a limited household is that people didn’t always get that attention. Everybody is or was always too busy. Folks don’t recognize the importance of acknowledging their fellow man. Or, maybe they do, but they don’t want to be the first to do it. No one wants to be put in a position to be taken advantage of, or to feel like the nerd. No one wants to do it first. What about me we’re asking. I acknowledge you. Who’s acknowledging me? The trick is to fill your own cup first, like that whole airplane oxygen mask thing. Put the oxygen mask over your face first.
A lot of people didn’t get what they felt they needed emotionally as children so there’s a constant feeling of emptiness, an unfulfilled need, a half-filled cup with a drip drop of water not allowing the cup to be filled. The cup is also tipped slightly so even if there were a steady flow of water, the cup never gets filled. You’re the cup. You got that right?! What to do first? Sit the cup upright on a stable foundation and let the flow of emotional water fill your cup.
When we start out with lack, our first instinct is to seek fulfillment outside ourselves. As we hopefully blossom into mature adults, we grow to understand that fulfillment comes from within. Emotional fulfillment comes from within. So, we start to exercise that muscle. We gradually start to take care of ourselves first. We then stop looking for fulfillment outside of ourselves. We start to dwell in that feeling of, “so, this is what it’s like to feel taken care of.” Not gonna lie. It can feel uncomfortable, as new things do. It can even feel a little scary, maybe even a lot. You bask in the feelings and start to ask yourself, if I can take care of myself, then why do I need other people? Don’t worry. You don’t need to have other people take care of you, but it can still feel desirable to have company. It feels better having company around when you’re emotionally healthy.
Start with something small. Acknowledge yourself. Look in the mirror and say “hello.” Look yourself right in the eye and say “hello.” Really look. Hang there for about five seconds, perhaps three if it gets to be too much. That’s it. Go on with your day.
We don’t realize it but we are in front of mirrors several times throughout the day: brushing our teeth, combing our hair, putting on makeup, sunscreen, washing our faces, washing our hands after using the bathroom. You are washing your hands afterwards? Right? Every time? Every time! Well, there’s usually a mirror there. Look into it. Say, “hello,” five, four, three, two, one. That is all. Acknowledge you first. Build that muscle, then we’ll go from there.
Categories
How ’bout you.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I haven’t written here in a while.
I’m certainly due.
Categories
Reflections
I dreamt there were no mirrors. I was locked in a house and there were no mirrors on the walls, no mirrors on the doors.
I couldn’t see my reflection.
How will I know who I am if I can’t see my own reflection?
I looked behind curtains and under linens and towels, but I couldn’t find any.
I looked out of the windows for my reflection in the sky, in the clouds. Nothing. I watched the sacred space for hours. Nothing.
I figured out how to make my own mirror.
I poured water in a glass bowl. Then, I could see my reflection. I know who I am.
I see. I see me.
I recognize that I think and write like autumn and my season has arrived. It’s a time for contemplation and long leisurely walks. It feels like long sips of hot chocolate and lingering over a cup of tea. It’s sweater and boot weather. Breathe it in. Wrap yourself in a scarf and enjoy it.
WhiteHausRules 